blank thoughts.

sitting here at home, thinking that i should go to bed soon, but not really wanting to. i've watching bout 2 hours of tv and think that should be good for the day. something i realized whilst watching the television... i basically look at a screen for roughly 10-12 hours out of the possible 24 hour day.

7:30 wake up

8:50 im in the office and on the computer until lunch time around 12.45

12.45 go to the break area and watch an episode of family feud that runs between 1 and 1.30

1.30 i go back to my computer until the rest of the work day around 5.30

5.30 im at the gym. sole activity that i do without a screen in front of me, though from time to time i glance up at the television screens or if i'm on the treadmill, they have tvs there.

7.00 im back home and cooking dinner.

8.00 my good chunk of dinner/tv time till about 10ish

11.00 in bed around and on occasion, i watch tv in bed

so if i'm calculating everything correctly, thats roughly 10 1/2 hours ish and there are days that i stare at a screen more, there are days that i stare at a screen less. i dont know what to do. my whole job basically revolves around me staring at a computer screen. i know its a must but for some reason i really dont like the fact that im doing one thing for so long. i do wonder from time to time but then i feel like im just avoiding work.

i guess what it comes down to is what am i doing with my time when im not at work. obviously i cannot get away with not staring at a screen during the day, so i guess i have to concentrate on finding things to do that do not involve an electronic device. hopefully this will get easier once the cold goes away and ill actually be somewhat willing to go do things outside. i'm really hoping i can pick up some sort of hobby, especially after the season is over with. i have a feeling i might be slightly bored once the offseason comes. no work in the office, no baileys anymore (sunday was my last day!), and nothing really to do at home. i'm going to have to figure out something, but it just seems so far ahead.

i would like to try something that tests my patience. maybe not so much tests, but helps work on my patience. at work today, i for some reason got this sudden urge of frustration because a video that i have been working on for the past 2 days didnt really turn out the way i wanted it to and it's becoming kind of difficult to change what i've already done. i'm not sure if it's impatience or if i'm frustrated with myself not getting the best product out there the first time or if it's because i dont like criticism... but i really need to work out whatever's bothering me. the longer i think about it, the more i think it's me, not liking the fact that i have to start over because i couldn't get it done the first time. i have to learn to realize that this isn't a bad thing, it's just a part of the process. guess it's cuz i like to get it right the first time. but hello!!! not everyone's perfect. can't always just work on the video almost half ass-ish and expect great results. maybe that's what it was... the fact that i worked on it, but wasn't really fully invested in it and thought that i could turn in something that i didn't love, just liked, and was frustrated with the fact that someone saw right through my almost casual effort. maybe i just realize that this job is harder than i mentally see it; that i actually have to somewhat work hard.

till tomorrow...